God’s Good Design for Marriage
January 26, 2025
Preached by Ron Smith
Scripture Reading
1 Corinthians 7:10-16
10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Not I, but the Lord; I, not the Lord. The question of authority.
Did you pick up on what he said? “Not I, but the Lord” (vs 10). “I, not the Lord” (vs 12). What on earth does Paul mean? The question that naturally arises is: are Paul’s words less authoritative than Jesus’ words? Do we just need to take Paul’s words as a personal opinion, a simple suggestion?
While that might seem like the case, there is a better answer. When Paul says, “not I, but the Lord,” he is using that phrase as shorthand for everything Jesus taught about divorce. Paul is not going to recount everything Jesus said, he just wants his readers to call Jesus’ teaching to mind.
Then when he says “I, not the Lord,” he is indicating that he is now going to give some instruction that Jesus did not touch on. It is no less authoritative. Both what Jesus said and what Paul said are binding. The Holy Spirit is using Paul to write Scripture.
I wanted to start off talking about this because it helps us to wrestle with the question of authority. Who or what is the authority are we listening to? Specifically, when it comes to marriage and divorce, who are we led by?
Is it our feelings? “Well, I just don’t love her anymore. We just don’t get along anymore.” Do we listen to our friends? “You deserve better.” Do we follow the thinking of the world? “You just need to follow your gut. Do what makes you happy.”
Or, do we submit ourselves to the authority of God’s word? Will we commit ourselves to follow what Scripture teaches us concerning divorce? Or will we look for the loopholes? Ways to get out of situations we don’t find pleasant. Ways to justify taking wrong actions.
Our nature is to look for loopholes in life that will make our lives as easy and comfortable as possible. The problem is that our desire to look for loopholes can affect how we think of marriage. So, when things are more difficult than what we had envisioned, our spouse does things we don’t like, is more opinionated that we realized…for the smallest of reasons, we look for a way out.
Let’s look at what Scripture teaches us about God’s good design for marriage as it relates to divorce. We will look at two things: the command to Christian couples; the command to Christians married to unbelievers. Then we will come back around to this question of authority.
To married Christians
Look with me again at verses 10 and 11:
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
Paul addresses these first comments to “the married.” What he means by that is to Christians who are married to Christian spouses. He gives them a charge. This is where we find the words we already talked about “not I, but the Lord.” And then he proceeds to give a summary of what Jesus taught on divorce. It is not everything, but he sums it up in a general principle.
It is appropriate that we ask what was the teaching of Jesus? What we find in the Gospels is that it is his teaching where we find the phrase that is often repeated in a marriage ceremony: What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. And in saying that he sites how it has been from creation: “Man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” He taught that a married couple should not seek divorce except on the grounds of adultery. That is the only legitimate reason to seek a divorce.
Now, for some of you that is shocking. Perhaps it seems narrow minded. It may feel restrictive to personal freedom. And, you would in good company. The people who were present to hear Jesus’ teaching on divorce were more shocked than you are. There were different schools of thought among the Pharisees about the legitimate reasons that justify a divorce. One of them was extremely liberal. The slightest inconvenience caused by your spouse would be good enough. The famous example given is that if your wife burns your food, that was good enough to seek a divorce.
Even the disciples seem to have been influenced by this much more open stance. In Matthew 19, after Jesus answers the Pharisees who came up to question him about divorce, the disciples began to question him too. Their conclusion was that if Jesus’ stricter stance was the standard, then, and I quote, “it is better not to marry.” Facepalm.
The general principle from Jesus’ teaching that I think Paul wants us to recognize is that for Christians divorce is not an option. Both spouses being Christians, should not divorce.
Now immediately lots of questions just come gushing out like a geyser letting out steam and water. Just an explosion of questions. Some are easy to answer. “What if I don’t get along with my spouse? What if we just don’t love each other anymore? My husband, my wife, just does things that grate on my nerves. She yells all the time. He never does anything.” You get the point. Questions and issues like that. A married couple that are both Christians don’t divorce. Work it out. Get other people involved. Ask for counseling. Ask for pastoral help. Stick it out. Submit yourself to the word of God. It’s hard. It could be a long uphill road. But when you reach the summit, the view is spectacular. The reward is amazing.
However, there are questions and issues that are more serious. “My spouse wants nothing to do with me and I have tried for years to change the situation. My spouse keeps sinning against me – nothing major, but not exactly minor either.” Even in these more difficult cases the Christian couple is called to remain faithful. Again, seek help. Get people who will commit to pray for you daily. Men’s/women’s ministry can be of help.
And of course, there are the really difficult and much more serious cases that begin to blur the line and make us reflect long and hard on rather or not this is an exception. “My spouse is addicted to pornography; my spouse is an alcoholic or addicted to drugs.” Even here, as painful and difficult as it may be, divorce for a Christian couple should not be the first option. Appropriate help would need to be sought. A long road would have to be taken.
But what about, “My husband, and in some occasions, my wife, is abusive to me.” First and foremost, get out of that situation - physically. Get into a safe place. Report it the police. Please, get pastoral help. We can help you get to a safe place, get you connected with counselors, we can walk with you through it. I am not going to stand here and tell you that yes or no, you should get a divorce. There would be lots of things that would need to be worked through.
Backing back out and getting the overview, let’s recognize that for Jesus the general principles is that divorce is just not an option for Christians. Let that be the starting point for dealing with problems in our marriages.
Let’s turn now to the command to Christians married to unbelievers.
To Christians married to non-Christians
Look with me again at verses 12 and 13.
12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.
I am taking the phrase “to the rest” to mean Christians who are married to non-Christians. These are people who were married then converted to Christianity, but their spouse did not convert. This would be a new situation, post-crucifixion, post-resurrection, that Jesus did not/could not have addressed. So now Paul weights in.
And again, Jesus’ general principles holds even here. The Christian should not or must not divorce when the nonbelieving spouse is willing to continue the marriage despite the changes in daily routines that it might bring.
And make no mistake about it, converting to Christianity does change the believer’s life. Certainly, there are internal changes – patience where there was none; kindness where there was rudeness; gentleness where there was anger, etc. These changes would be acceptable to anyone.
But what about changes to daily routines. Where there once used to be offerings taken to the temple of some god, the unbeliever would now do that alone. Where Sundays used to be a chill day of relaxing at home, the believing spouse is now gone for part of the day at this thing called church. Then there are whole host of other questions: how do you raise the kids? What do you spend money on? What friends to you spend the most time with? And on and on. It is difficult enough for two believers to come to agreement on these things, but now you have two sets of values that will be colliding.
Becoming a Christian can be disruptive to a marriage. But Paul says to not divorce when the unbelieving spouse agrees to continue in the marriage. And there is a good reason for the believer to stay in such a marriage. Look at verse 14.
For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
What on earth does that mean? This is a verse that if I heard Pastor Benjamin say this, and didn’t know that it came from the Bible, I would probably respond saying that he is wrong. That’s heresy even. But then you find out it is in the Bible and you have to figure out what it means.
I will say right off the bat, that unfortunately, there is a bit of a mystery here. We don’t know exactly what it means. I cannot “pound the pulpit” and tell you without any doubt what this means.
But I do think that as we consider the broader teaching of scripture we can come up with an idea. The first thing we can say is that Paul does not mean that the unbeliever or the children are made Christians because of the believing spouse. That would go against the clear teaching of Scripture. Salvation comes when a person places their own faith in Jesus. You have probably heard it said that God does not have any grandchildren. The point is that even if you grew up in the church as children to believing parents, that does not save you. I suppose in this case we can also say that God does not have any in-laws either. Your believing spouse does not get you saved.
Beyond that, by saying that the unbelieving spouse is made holy and that their children are not unclean but holy, Paul is encouraging the believer to not think that their unbelieving family members cause them to be unholy. In the OT law there were things that if the people of God touched, it would make them unclean. But that is not the case in the new covenant - the covenant established by Jesus. We see this dynamic play out in the Gospels on several occasions when Jesus comes into contact with a person who would have made him unclean – when he healed lepers, or the woman with the issue of blood. But what we see is that it has no effect on him. He remains clean.
Similarly, the believer is not made unclean because of his or her unbelieving spouse and children. Rather, there is a blessing that the believing spouse brings for their families. That is that the unbelieving family members are brought into a privileged position in that they are more readily exposed to the teaching of God’s word. They see the living out of God’s word in the life of the believing spouse as well as in the life of the church. “Made holy” can be translated “set apart.” So, the unbelieving family members are set apart in that they have the privilege of coming under the influence of God’s word and the care of the church.
Summing up what we have seen so far: if a Christian finds themselves in a marriage with a non-Christian and the unbelieving spouse wants to stay in the marriage, the Christian must not seek a divorce. There is nothing wrong with the relationship and there is the added blessing for the unbelieving spouse and children in that they will be under the influence of God’s word.
But what about if the unbelieving spouse wants to end the marriage. Well, Paul continues in verses 15 and 16.
But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Bottom line is to not prevent the unbeliever from divorcing you. The relationship would be considered absolved. The believing spouse would no longer be bound legally or spiritually to the unbelieving spouse.
Then there is this curious phrase, God has called you to peace. What does Paul mean? Notice that there are two scenarios going on. One is that the unbelieving spouse desires to stay in the marriage. In that case the Christian must not divorce. The second scenario is that the unbelieving spouse does not want to stay in the marriage. The Christian is to let them go.
In either case the Christian has been called to peace. Don’t create conflict by seeking a divorce, nor create conflict by seeking to stay in a marriage that is not wanted. Seek peace.
The final questions are tied to this double idea. On the one hand by staying in the marriage the Lord may use you to bring your spouse to salvation. On the other hand, if your spouse leaves you trust the Lord for their salvation. Staying with them is no guarantee that they would have come to faith.
Whichever way your marriage heads, God has called you to peace. Let peace be your guide.
So, that’s the passage. God’s word gives us clear direction with regards to marriage and divorce. It starts with the general principle of divorce is not an option for the Christian couple. We should seek to maintain our relationship. Fight for our relationship. Do everything in our power to see that it thrives. We have entered into a covenant, and we should honor that covenant. But there are exceptions. As Jesus taught in the case of adultery divorce is permissible. And as Paul teaches in the case of marriage between a believer and unbeliever, divorce is only permissible if the unbeliever wants to separate.
This brings us back to the question of authority. Will we submit to what God’s word says or look for additional loopholes? Resisting that urge to jump through loopholes starts with submitting to God’s word. Find out what God has said and abide by it.
(I want to say to those of you who have experienced divorce in the past, I mean no condemnation in what has been said. If as you hear these things, you realize for the first time that you didn’t do what the Lord calls us to do, then it would be appropriate for you to repent and ask forgiveness. But if you have already done that in the past, know that the Lord has forgiven you. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin and does not define who you are.)
You might be here today, and ask “what does all this talk of divorce have to do with me?” I would say that there is a general call to submit to God’s word in every area of your life. If the call here is to take God’s word seriously in what it says about divorce, we should take it seriously in what it says about every part of our life. I know that it can seem like submitting to God’s word is confining and robs us of our freedom, of our choices. But actually, when you submit to God’s word the very opposite happens. That’s when we find true freedom. Living your life according to the design and will of God our Creator sets you free. The world makes sense. Your place in the world makes sense. Don’t look for loopholes with God.
God doesn’t look for loopholes in his relationship with us. He binds himself to his covenant that he has made with us. He keeps his word. He is faithful. And he is faithful when we are not. When we do things that do not align with his will, when we take loophole after loophole to try and make our life a bit easier. He remains faithful. He doesn’t send us away. Doesn’t divorce us.
Rest in that assurance. Delight in his faithfulness even when you have blown it for the hundredth time. We are his bride that he cleanses, forgives, nourishes, and cherishes.